*This is a photo of my niece, Cassi, and Surry, who was my 4 year old, German shepard-mix. They were clearly the best of friends, which speaks to Cassi's innate sweetness...Surry didn't trust many people, as she'd been very abused; I found her abandoned out by the airport, about 2 years ago: No tags, incredibly traumatized, underweight, running into oncoming traffic, oblivious to pretty much everything, in the direct path of a semi truck. Eventually I was able to get one of Benny's spare leashes and a makeshift collar on her, and after a trip to Arby's, she finally capitulated, and was adopted as a sibling for an overly-well adjusted, tennis ball-obsessed, golden retriever named Ben.
"One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time." -Andre Gide
Hello to all who have visited this blog/site, and a million THANK YOU's for taking the time and energy that you have to reach out to me during this season of strange and mysterious happenings...your generosity and empathy have absolutely blown me away, and I find myself truly at a loss when it comes to expressing how touched I am at the amount and degree to which all of you have shared your love, concern and willingness to donate anything and everything it might be that will help me get 'back on my feet'. I cite the above quote by Gide because, for me, the time has come for 'letting go'...for learning to accept that being in "total control of your life" is really just an illusion...for being willing to trust enough to "lose sight of the shore for a very long time"...hopefully, in order to discover some 'new land' in my life via the healing that hopefully a 'new start' (whatever that might look like) will eventually bring.
Losing all of my material possessions (without renter's insurance to provide recovery) was one lesson in that vein...but the real lesson, the sharpest, most visceral, heartbreaking and gut wrenching lesson, obviously, was losing what I'd always called my "furry family".
Benny, my golden, died of smoke inhalation the night of the fire, and after nine, incredible years with him, having been with him since he was just 8 weeks old, I said goodbye to him outside, under the stars... He had already been placed outside by the some of the firefighters by the time I got home; 'lain under the apple tree in my backyard, and under a blanket, and at least, I was able to have some peace that he wasn't in pain, hadn't suffered...I took my time, within reason, hugged him, kissed the fuzzy, top of his head that always smelled like chicken soup to me (I know, crazy, but, it just did!) and thanked God for 'loaning' Benny to me for as long as He did, and prayed the prayer about the "Rainbow Bridge", promising myself I'd see him again some day...I still pray that prayer many times, daily, swallowing the most enormous of lumps in my throat...aching to see my 'furry kids' again, when remembering how I would wake up to find 4 or 5 tennis balls on the pillow next to me on any given morning, which was Benny's idea of a "hint" that he was ready to start the day, or remembering how Surry would "sing" along, in her low, wookie-voice, with the song of an ambulance or fire engine-siren, before any of this happened...'Just little memories of them both that remind me how much they both truly filled my moments and my life with such humor and such joy, helping me to find the "pearls" of living this life in the sometimes banal or more trivial aspects of my daily routine... 
Some of you know and some of you do not know that for a long time, in fact, for a little over 3 weeks, Surry was thought to have escaped the fire and to have fled the neighborhood, reportedly seen by both firefighters and close neighbors on the scene of the fire the night of the 9th. For 4-5 nights following the fire, I slept in my car in the driveway of what was left of the house, hoping/praying that she might return to look for me, when the chaos/excitement had died down, when the lights and noise and smell of smoke had waned, and that perhaps, if she would recognize my car (which she had always associated with road trips or fun, positive things, being 'included' on trips to Petsmart, etc.) that she would return home.
I also fought the home owner's (my landlord's) insurance company like a mother grisly bear, because they wanted to instantly (as in, the day following the fire, at 7 a.m.) enter the house, begin the process of tearing it up, etc. via their need to "investigate the fire" (even though the fire department had just completed their investigation)...this involved re-tromping through the house, stirring up the ashes and that awful smell of smoke and burnt-"everything", having strangers all over the place and in and around all of what was left of any of my personal items, which were strewn throughout the place (i.e. the decomposing remains of whatever might be left) and it also meant more new people/scents (from Surry's perspective) around the property, etc. ...all in order to complete the claim as quickly as possible for their client, not caring that as the tenant, I also had rights, etc. Despite EXTREME harassment and attempts at intimidation from American Fam
ily Insurance, I'm proud to say I was able to keep them from making the area "unapproachable" for Surry to potentially return to, for the most part. :) !!!
When she didn't seem to be coming around, regardless, armed with support from amazing friends and hundreds of donated, full-color, "MISSING" signs that were about as big as my entire torso and filled with printed info. about Surry and her last known whereabouts, I began my mission of finding her. She was reportedly seen running in traffic, down major streets, in the exact same manner I'd found her two years ago, an impressively far distance from home, but not impossibly far for her, a survivor, and tough, street smart, obviously, shell-shocked, pup, so I posted signs all over the area where she was first spotted after the fire, and then followed the tips that came in after that. The Denver Post, Rocky Mountain News, Daily News, Channel 2, and my dear friend, Nancy, who has a local show on Comcast and on CBS 4, all provided excellent press/media coverage on the search for Surry after the fire, and very precise, legitimate, tips that seemed to exactly describe Surry came in from wonderful, compassionate people all over the state of Colorado. I received calls from individuals who simply wanted to offer support, or to offer to help search, to drive from long distances, when gas is at such a crazy price...people who saw me trying to re-tape signs after a rainstorm would ask if I had any new information, and asked about Surry, calling her by name...which would bring me almost literally to my knees with emotion, to witness and experience such compassion from total strangers!?! And after not having slept for days on end, driving, calling for her, holding hot dogs in one hand, jingling her leash out the window in the other, circling different parks where there was a recent sighting of a dog that might have been her...looking under bridges, aiming my headlights on clumps of bushes, having cops pull me over at all hours of the night, each and every night to the extent that they knew me after a short time, and were soon looking for Surry and knew her by name, as well...there were days when I was sure I had seen her myself, and had gotten to a canal she'd been drinking from, or a path she'd been spotted near, just a moment too late, and had just missed her.
In retrospect, I realize that my non-stop, sleepless, take-no-prisoners search and absolute determination to find Surry and ensuing plans to again rehabilitate her, and to work on soothing the trauma that I was sure she'd re-experienced, etc. - all of that was I'm sure a balm to soothe and protect me from really facing and dealing with the loss of sweet Benny, "Benzo", as Keith Gliner (KG Men's Store) called him...a loss so great and a void so deep that I am still only now realizing its' girth. Perhaps in my heart of hearts, I knew, and God knew, that dealing directly with that loss, at that time, wasn't something I was capable of, for whatever reason.
I continued to fervently search until receiving a call on August 1st, when the home owner's insurance company entered the home to conduct their own investigation and informed me that they had found Surry under a pile of drywall and insulation, 
This is a photo of a cross that I had on my wall,
in my bedroom, which burned into the wall, and
made sort of a "reverse imprint".
in my bedroom, where the fire had started (ruled due to an unknown, accidental, electrical cause). Without going into graphic detail, she had apparently been inside the house the entire time, and was, indeed, found there, albeit under very, very confusing and strange circumstances, which just did/do not make sense, to me, nor to anyone else closely involved with in the search for her over the past 3 and a half weeks (and keep in mind, I (and a few others) had been in and out of the house, looking for personal items, photos, etc. in the bedroom, where she had been 'located', countless times, over the past 3.5 weeks, sometimes more than once a day, and did not find her, nor did I even detect a sign of her being in that bedroom, which was SCOURED by fire investigators the night of the fire, and by my veterinarian friend, who has forensic/search and rescue/recovery experience, who was specifically looking for her in order to obtain some closure and peace of mind, specifically to rule out such a possibility).
Needless to say, I was (and still am) absolutely heartsick, devastated, and dumbfounded at this completely unexpected outcome. I will be honest with you, my closest friends who have been kind enough to come to this site, to support me here, and will tell you that this painful and tragic 'ending' still makes absolutely no sense to me, and provides no closure, gives no peace, and, I suspect, will take a long, long time to come to terms with.
It is for reasons such as this, that "seeing the shore" in my life right now seems so difficult, and yet makes my appreciation for your encouragement, concern, and support, all the more sincere. No matter what form that support may take, be it an email, a comment on this blog/site, a donation, or a prayer, I appreciate each and every sentiment, and want each and every one of you to know that it's a joy simply to see your name, and to remember faces from long ago, and to smile at the memories from time we spent together (being huge idiots for the most part, if I remember correctly). :)
I will be writing more as time passes, but for now, please just know that all that everyone has done/and offered to do has absolutely warmed my heart and has made a difference to a degree that words truly fall short in conveying any sort of 'accurate appreciation'..and to Grant, Keith, Warren, Lori....you amazing kids behind this site/effort/energy in organizing all of this...how can I even start to tell you what you've done for me...? I love each of you so much!
THANK YOU!!!
~Barbara/Barb
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"I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed."
-Prayer By An Unknown Confederate Soldier
